This is the inaugural edition of “Sunday Joke Sunday.” It is a newsletter, which will publish on days. The newletter is published by a developing comedian working to hone his craft. If you get offended by anything, or being the target of a joke, I’d stop reading here, push, or put, your digital device of choice away, and back up slowly.
BRAIN THOUGHTS
I wish I’d spent more of my life trying new things. Could be anything. I bought an Apple Homepod thinking it would serve as a TV soundbar. I had to configure the settings every time to use it, so it didn’t stick. I couldn’t use it for anything else without first connecting it to my phone’s hotspot. At the time I got it, I didn’t have home internet. I moved to a new spot in San Francisco and tried to see how long I could go without home internet using hotspot data instead.
It lasted 4 months. Valiant effort. Watching basketball and baseball games was gonna overwhelm my hotspot data allotment. Enter me finally paying for home internet.
The homepod is now good to go at all times. I randomly started using it to play music, set alarms, set timers, and check what time it is. The best part: I don’t think it’s listening to my conversations. It’s pretty old siri technology. Dumb smart devices work pretty well.
Long story short: make it a point to try new things. You might be better for it.
GOIN’ UP
[And now…a joke]
I feel really conflicted getting up every morning and going to work at something I’m not interested in. I wanna write. I wanna be in comedy. I knew it was time to get back into comedy when I’d leave my apartment in the morning for work and cross the street into oncoming traffic.
THE TROPICANA
NOTE: The following sketch is inspired by true events. Some names of the people involved have been changed. Some have not.
Cast:
DAVE KAVAL, former Oakland Athletics President. Straight forward business executive who is about business and business things.
JESSE YUNG, former Oakland Mayor. Determined to keep the Athletics in Oakland.
TONI KRESS, former Oakland mayorial Chief of Staff
JOHN FISHER, Current owner of the Oakland Athletics. An incompetent, who also happens to be a billionaire, with an unexplainable love of Las Vegas
SCENE:
Jesse and Toni are in Jesse’s office celebrating the fact they are on track to secure the final piece of financing needed for the Howard Terminal Stadium Project. They are sitting in furniture 6 or so feet away from the mayor’s desk. A Gen Z intern is walking into the office to put some papers for the mayor’s desk.
JESSE:
Great news! We are on track to secure all the funding needed for the Howard Terminal stadium project for the new A’s stadium!
TONI:
You deserve an immense amount of credit for what you’ve pulled off, mayor!
(The landline phone on the mayor’s desk rings right as the Gen Z intern reaches the desk. All 3 people in the room look at the phone. Then Jesse and Toni look back at the intern. The intern looks back at them. The intern passes out from the combined crushing anxiety of analog technology proximity, deciding whether to show initiative by answering the phone, and the potentially crippling possibility of a phone conversation with a stranger. They hit their head on the corner of the desk while falling down gushing blood from their forehead. Toni goes to check their pulse.)
TONI:
No pulse.
JESSE:
I’m not sure my administration can handle another accidental death.
TONI:
Speaking of death, Dave Kaval is calling.
(JESSE finally answers the phone.)
JESSE:
Hello?
DAVE:
Jesse, it’s Dave Kaval. The Athletics are moving to Las Vegas.
JESSE: (Fast and a little nervous)
We just secured the funding needed to finish building the stadium at Howard Terminal.
DAVE:
We’re moving to Las Vegas and building a stadium on the site of the old Tropicana hotel.
JESSE: (stern and pissed)
I’m going to need an explanation for this.
JOHN: (Singing and dancing like an old awkward billionaire without rhythm. It should make your eyes hurt to watch)
We’re goin’ down to the Tropa. The trop ah ah cana. That’s the tropa tropa ah ah cana.
JESSE:
Who do you owe money?
TONI:
Mr. Fisher, to reiterate what Jesse said, we just secured the financing for the Howard Terminal site.
JOHN: (continues to sing and dance)
I…don’t…care. I’m goin’ to the tropa. The tropa ah ah cana. The smallest lot North of Atlanta.
(Jesse mutes the landline)
JESSE:
This can’t be real life.
TONI:
I’m googling if Atlanta is North of Vegas.
JESSE:
Not worth the google.
TONI:
I’ll grok it.
(Jesse unmutes the landline)
JOHN: (continues to sing and dance)
I’m gonna keep on dancing at the Pink Pony club.
(Jesse mutes the phone again)
TONI: (Confused)
Barry Manilow to Chappell Roan?
JESSE:
Maybe the next time I unmute and we get back into the sketch he’ll be singing E-40?
(Jesse unmutes the phone again)
JOHN:
I’m going down to the Tropa. The Trop ah ah cana. It’s in Las Vegas. I’m moo oohving the A’s there.
(Jesse mutes the phone again)
TONI:
So I guess no E-40.
(Jesse unmutes the phone again.)
JESSE: (Agitated and loud)
Somebody better tell me why your moving to Las Vegas.
DAVE:
John. Would you like to answer that?
JOHN:
No.
JESSE:
Why?
JOHN:
Who?
TONI:
What?
JESSE:
Christ.
(BLACKOUT)
THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY TO YOU
Thank you for reading the inaugural edition of Sunday Joke Sunday! We’ll be back another day with another edition. Until then, I hope you can make do. Even though you didn’t know this existed until I told you about it or you randomly saw it online, I’m sure it will become a critically important part of your routine therefore throwing off the very core of your being if you can’t get a fresh edition soon. I’ll try my best to satiate shortly.